Apologetic (or Tweet This)

My Dearest Little A,

Bitch slapping your big sister, exclaiming it to be an accident, tossing out a half-assed apology and beating feet in a hasty retreat is clearly not acceptable no matter how cute you are. It just might earn you a bloody nose one day. Love always, Mom.

Lessons Learned

On the way to her play date with her new friend N, E randomly asked me if I had been married once or two times. I answered and waited. The next question was about why Grandma had two husbands and Daddy had two wives. I explained briefly and offered to show her photos of her other Grandpa and Daddy's ex-wife if she wanted to see them. No thank you was the very polite reply. I let it go and turned up the radio. Two songs later we've sang through being too sexy and we knew it, had some apple bottom jeans with the fur going on and she asked if Daddy ever saw his ex any more. I said no, that she wasn't in his life anymore and hadn't been in many years but that he wished her well and hoped her life was everything she wished it to be. We talked a bit and I tried to explain that loving someone meant wanting the best for that person regardless of what it meant for you. She cocked her head and looked up at me. I tried again… doesn’t matter if you agree with someone’s choices, doesn’t matter if you like their decisions, you just want for them what brings joy to their soul and peace to their heart. If she even gets a smidgen of that notion, I’ll be happy.

We arrived at the park and feed a few ducks while we waited for her friend. Once they spotted each other it was game on. Four hours of racing between the carousel, the train ride, and the parachute drop. Hands in the air and screaming on the dragon wagon gave way to furious spinning and giggling through the teacups. They downed hotdogs and sipped soda, chattering like long lost friends. They held each other’s diminutive hands while they fed the ducks and went down the slide headfirst. A friendship developed somewhere in the midst of a great debate over pringles vs. doritos. There are photos, exchanges of email addresses, and addresses, phone numbers and the promise of life long pen pals. I truly believe that they will. I’ve discovered there is a lesson or three in these last four hours… if only one chooses to listen and learn.

She’s a thoughtful child, my firstborn, I don’t know if I shared with you her tooth fairy visit. It was a couple weeks ago, on a Thursday night when I was running late for work, trying to wake up, throwing dinner on the table and packing mine to go. E was wiggling and I finally exasperatedly told her to just yank the darn tooth out. She did. It bled everywhere and I felt bad. It turned out to be fine. I left the details of the tooth fairy pillow, the dollar, the sneakiness of it all to the dad and I left. The next morning after my flight of the bumblebee to make it home in time to walk her to the bus stop she says to me that she’s giving her dollar to her teacher because they need to buy more swings and slides for the play ground. I laugh thinking of how much those things really cost and that her dollar is but a drop in the bucket but I don’t say anything. She really does it. Her teacher emailed me later to tell me how thoughtful my child is and how moved she and the principal were by the generosity exhibited by a six year old on a random Friday. She earns an award in their Character Counts program and I’m bursting with pride. And I know I’ve learned something from this that I’ll carry with me forever.

On a different day A comes home from a visit, the ones that make me nervous, sweaty and jumpy, distracted as all get out for four hours each and every Monday until she comes back to me and I can ensure for myself that my baby is safe and secure, but I digress… she has with her a toy Angry Bird. It’s a stupid video game to begin with…the fact that they make toys from it mystifies me and the idea that her birth person thought it would make an appropriate xmas gift for a little girl boggles my mind. A is hopped up on the sugar of a full liter of soda, the carbs of whatever crap she was fed for her "dinner" and the nerves and anxiety that come with such events. She won’t look me in the eye. She won’t focus. It’s normal. Nothing much changes. She shows up and birth person tries to buy her love and affection. But this time, my baby says to me… Momma, take the mad bird away.. he makes me sad. So I did. And I know there is a lesson to be learned here. Every four-year-olds can tell the difference between genuine love and affection and an show intended to impress someone. The next Monday she asks me to come with her to her visit. I explain that I as much as I would love to, that I cannot and it’s her special time to be with that person. She refuses to dress, eat breakfast and I have to drag her to school. Her logic? If she doesn’t go to school, no one can pick her up for a visit. She’s a smart one my angel.

My parents arrive on Christmas Eve, closely followed by my sister and her husband. A’s birthday is discussed, seeing as how they missed it, and we celebrate it again with presents, desert after dinner etc. A rips into her presents like a birthday champ. She is overjoyed with her Monkey George, her chef’s hat and apron, the tools, her barbies, you name it. This little girl cannot believe that all of these fine things are for her. She asks me more than once if she can keep them. I assure her that she can. I help her name her Monkey. We put him to bed on her bed. We have dinner as a family and allow her to unboggle her mind a bit. When I tuck her and George and half a dozen other stuffies into bed later that night she asks if Santa is really coming tonight. I remind her that we set out the plate of cookies and the glass of milk, we gathered oats, glitter and carrots for the reindeer and yes indeed… they are coming… but not if she peeks. I find her in the morning, face down with her pillow over her head, just in case Santa might think she peeked and leave her lumps of coal. Omg.. how precious.

Christmas morning E is impatient; thrilled, excited and over the moon that Santa brought her an awesome stocking and presents. A is quieter and a little clingy. She has no concept of Christmas morning and all that it entails in a big family. I almost miss it while I’m cooking breakfast for everyone, but my mom walks into the kitchen and puts her hand on my shoulder and tells me that It’ll keep. She nods towards the kids and I get it. One by one, the presents get unwrapped and A’s eyes light up over and over, trying desperately to take it all in. E helps, a bit, distracts more and finally A edges toward her favorite corner of the couch with her favorite stuffie and just settles in a bit, busies herself with her juice and contemplates. You can see the wheels turning in her head. I give her that space because she seems to just need time to process.

At breakfast the next morning – Cracker Barrel, she and E both devoured pancakes with real maple syrup, which might be a first for A. It was a day of firsts… Aunt K and Uncle K took the girls to a movie – A’s first in a theater and first trip in a convertible with the top down, before that we went to Cabella’s to see the aquarium and all the taxidermy animals… yet more firsts. We named them all, talked about the scary ones, discussed which ones could eat you and giggled. I think they both loved every minute of that day. And when they went to bed, so tired they couldn’t keep their respective eyes open another minute, E told me I was the best Mommy ever and A told me that she wanted to change her name to match ours. They both slept well. So did I.. for the first time in weeks.

You know what I've learned from all of this? I know you do.. don't you? I've learned that I have to stop this madness of working all night and sleeping all day. I have to start living again, like a human being, making time for the simple things, the little things that I've given short shrift to this year. I have to spend weekend mornings with my people, cooking pancakes and watching cartoons. I have to enjoy more and stress less. I truly thought I was doing the right things. I know now that I was not and that I've missed more than I care to acknowledge. I have to get back to respecting that inate goofyness and silliness that I was blessed with. The part of me that played in the leaf pile today with the kids and squirted whipped cream in their mouths and oops (up their noses!)... there is something so genuine and amazing about making a forever friend in fifteen minutes and I'm so thrilled that I got to be a part of it. There is something to be said for leaving the dishes in the sink, allowing the laundry to sit another day and just existing in the moment. I know that now.

It’s been an amazing year, this 2011. It didn’t start off that way and it’s had its bumps and bruises along the way. It hasn’t been without it’s drama and stresses but overall I can’t really complain, ya know? So I wanted to say to you the things I said to the rest of my family at Christmas dinner: Thank you for putting up with me through all of my craziness, for supporting my less than conventional lifestyle though I’m sure you’ve had your share of head shaking at my choices. I will forever be grateful for everyone in my life accepting A and loving her as much as I do. She couldn’t have asked for a better extended family to be a part of her "forever." Thank you for holding my hand, offering advice, keeping me sane at times and for always telling me the truth when I needed to hear it most whether I wanted it or not. I am grateful and humbled by each of you and thankful each day that you are in my life.

My wish for 2012 is a little less stress for all of us, a little more peace, and opportunities that bring us new challenges and new joys. May 2012 be the UP year that we’ve all been anxiously awaiting.

"May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you."