What he didn't expect was the reply and as it came forth from my fingertips clip-clopping against the keyboard, I found that I didn't expect it either.
How do I do it? Sometimes I think not very well at all. I cry a lot. I'm a big baby and a total train wreck for a little while and I've come to believe that it's okay. And other times I think that you taught me well how to handle it. I remember all of the amazingly joyful moments each one gave to me and the wonder and utter delight they brought to my life. The pain of losing them is somehow less than the idea of never having had the opportunity and genuine pleasure of being their Mom.
Time heals... it truly does. You know, you gave me quite the compliment the other day when you said that that your daughter reminds you of me. Honestly I had a conversation with someone at work last week that I've been helping about similar things. She's been using me as a sounding board for her problems and she said to me that she felt sorry for me and all the crazy things that have happened to our family in the last few years. I almost laughed and she must have thought I was nuts.
I explained. Feeling sorry for myself and having other people feel sorry for me is a total waste of time. It is what it is. And I suppose all of this stuff occurs in my life because I am able to get through it with my sanity and hopefully some small measure of grace. I know exactly how your daughter feels. Everything about me is intense. I work hard, I love hard, I play hard and I give life every bit I have and some days it's enough and on the days it isn't I retreat a little, take a few deep breaths and keep on going, because honestly? What choice do I have? I'm certainly not a quitter, I have people and things depending on me and it's certainly not in me to wimp out now. On some level the roller coaster becomes routine. And as you always remind me, consciously or not... I picked it.
It brings to the forefront of my life the notion of strong women. Not physically strong, although that is surely a part of it, but more than that there is a mental toughness and a resilience that comes from being battered about a bit by life and knowing when and how to kick back. My Mother is an incredibly strong woman when I think about it. She's seen my Dad through nearly 50 years of marriage, two children, multiple surgeries and illnesses, business successes and failures, a very late entry into the working world when I was a teenager and hell... let's face it... any high school drop out in her early 20s who looks her baby daughter in the face and then enrolls in night school on no sleep and no time just to finish so her children would be proud of her is one hell of a woman. There was never any question in our young lives as to whether or not we would be successful... just the question of what we would be successful at. The last ten years have seen her retire, face two different cancers bouts, fight the fight of her life and come back swinging. I've rarely seen her cry. I've never seen her panic. I've seen her logically and methodically engineer her life and my father's life down the path they decided upon all those years ago. Bumps in the road and all, she's done it with grace and style. How could I not be just like her? How could I not want my daughter to be just like her?
It's exactly why I don't helicopter my child. I don't lie to her. I don't take her age appropriate choices away from her and I don't sugar coat her tiny little life. Sometimes there are disappointments. They make you stronger. Sometimes you have to scribble that heart attack on paper to understand for yourself why Daddy had one. Sometimes you have to learn to deal with what life throws at you and make the best of it.
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