17 Months and 14 Days

They stick with me... those words, time frames, an indication of an event so overwhelming in one's life that even forty plus years later it's recalled with such stunning clarity. I bet this individual could perhaps even narrow it to the hours if you asked.  I won't.  I know as much of the story as I'm allowed and I'm grateful for having had the opportunity to listen and ask a few demure questions.  It's not my story to tell. 


The notion however, of the experience that so forever changes your life you can recall it in amazing clarity down to the day, the hour, the very minute you long for it to be over, is mine... and I'll discuss it however damn much I like.  


Everything in our live is measured in 3 month or 6 month increments.  Time between court hearings, meetings, reports and review. We're up to 16 and 1/2 months now.  I counted yesterday, in a brief moment of frustration, and the irony of it hit me full force.  Our 17 months and 14 days will be on July 4th.  Independence day.  It's not lost on me that while we as a country are celebrating the birth and resilience of a nation,  my family will be continuing to try our level best to hold together the life of a little person with meds, therapy, kisses, band aids and maybe even a little duct tape.  It's a Mcguyver'd life, that's for sure.  Some days it feels good and other days, like today where I send her off to a visit she doesn't want and cannot emotionally handle that I feel like it's sand slipping quickly and coolly through my fingers and I cannot stop it.  For the "system" that was designed to protect her has gotten to big for it's own britches and will no longer follow their own laws and rules and now makes them up as they go.  And we'll file that under the guise that "each case is unique."  No.. it's not.  They are not different.  Progress, substantive clinical progress should be recognized, celebrated and encouraged.  It should be given time, support, the energy and effort of a thousand people coming together and keeping a family together.  Lack of progress, out right defiance of the rules, disrespect and failures over and over to get with the program should be dealt with swiftly and sharply.  And they are not.  And it's disgusting and offensive. 


Will it be over at her 17 months and 14 days?  It won't.  I know that.  It hurts my heart and stings my soul to no end.  Will it be over at 18 months?  19?  20?  It won't.  I know that too.  It will likely be at least another 6-8 months from now until we can offer her a modicum of peace, stability and tranquility.  More than two years since she began to speak and first called me Mommy and forever captured my heart.  And then I fear we'll spend a life time trying to recover from the hell the "system" has put her through.